Why We Don't Do Anything With Our Loved One's Ashes

If you're struggling to decide on what to do with your loved one's ashes, you are not alone. According to the Cremation Association Of North America, there are millions of unclaimed ashes boxes sitting in funeral homes.

But even when claimed by families, a large proportion of ashes containers will come home only to be stored away in a basement.

So why is it so difficult to move forward and do something with our loved one's ashes? In this article, we look at all the emotional, logistical, cultural, and practical reasons that stop us.

For many of us, our loved one's ashes of a loved one are more than just remains. They represent memory, presence, and connection. After a loss, the thought of scattering or parting with ashes can feel like losing the person all over again.

In grief, this emotional attachment is natural. Keeping ashes close in a closet or in the garage can offer comfort and postpone a decision that feels too painful to make.

This is especially common when the death was sudden or traumatic, or when the mourner feels they haven’t fully processed their grief. In such cases, ashes can become a symbol of the unresolved, of things left unsaid or undone.

When is the right time to let go?

There is no set timeline for grief, and no "right" time to act. But if you’re feeling stuck, here are a few compassionate ways to gently begin working through this emotional block:

• Give yourself permission to feel conflicted. It’s okay to love someone deeply and still be unsure of what to do with their remains. Let that duality exist without judgment.

• Create a small ritual. Light a candle, write them a letter, or play their favorite song while sitting with the ashes. These small acts can help open space for healing and conversation with your grief.

• Consider a partial memorial. You don’t have to scatter or bury all the ashes at once, or at all. Many people keep a small portion in a keepsake urn or piece of memorial jewelry while letting go of the rest in a meaningful location.

So what should you do?

Keeping ashes for a long time isn’t wrong. But if they become a source of emotional heaviness or unresolved tension, it may be a sign to explore what might bring peace.

After cremation, many people simply don’t know what to do next. The range of choices from scattering, burial, memorial jewelry, to tree planting can feel overwhelming. And in the fog of grief, making a decision about what’s “right” can feel nearly impossible.

Some families leave the ashes untouched for months or even years not because they don't care, but because they care so much. They're afraid of making the wrong choice. Others aren’t even aware of the many meaningful options available beyond traditional burial or scattering.

So what should you do?

If you're feeling paralyzed by indecision, start small. Take time to explore your options. Think about your loved one’s personality, values, and the kind of legacy they'd appreciate. Sometimes clarity comes not from finding the perfect option, but from choosing one that feels good enough and making it meaningful.

It’s not uncommon for families to struggle with decisions after a loved one’s passing, especially when it comes to ashes. Without clear instructions left behind, tensions can rise. One person wants to scatter them at sea. Another insists on keeping them close. Sometimes siblings can’t even agree on who should hold onto the urn.

These disputes can leave the ashes in limbo for months or even years. If you're caught in this kind of disagreement, here are a few ways to ease the tension:

• Shift the focus to shared values. What would honor the person we all loved? What would bring peace, not just to them, but to us?

• Consider splitting the ashes. It’s often possible to divide them into multiple keepsake urns so each family member can grieve and honor their loved one in their own way.

• Bring in a neutral third party. A funeral director, counselor, or mediator can help guide the conversation and ensure every voice is heard.

Most importantly, try to remember that behind every disagreement is usually love, grief, and the desire to do what feels right. With patience and compassion, resolution is possible.

For some people, cremated ashes don’t just represent loss, they carry spiritual or cultural significance. In certain belief systems, keeping ashes in the home is thought to disrupt the natural balance between the living and the dead.

One of the most common questions that arises is: " Is it bad luck to keep ashes in the house?"

The answer depends largely on cultural background and personal beliefs. In Feng Shui, for instance, ashes are considered yin energy (associated with stillness and death), and placing them in the home is believed to create imbalance. In some Hindu traditions, ashes are meant to be scattered in a sacred river to help the soul move on.

Even without a strong cultural tradition, many people feel an unexplained unease about keeping ashes nearby. It’s not always about bad luck—sometimes it’s about a lingering sense that something is unfinished.

If you're struggling with this tension, consider:

• Acknowledging the belief without shame. Whether the worry comes from your culture, family, or gut feeling.

• Choosing a symbolic space. If you're uncomfortable having ashes in a common area, move them to a quieter, more sacred part of the home, or transfer a portion to a memorial outside the house.

• Creating a release ritual. If you decide to scatter or relocate the ashes, treat it as a sacred act. Light a candle, speak a few words, or invite others to share memories. Ritual can help replace fear with meaning.

Ultimately, the most important energy is your own. What brings you peace, connection, and comfort. Whether you choose to keep, scatter, or share the ashes, you’re honoring your loved one in your own way.

Sometimes the decision to hold onto ashes isn’t emotional or spiritual, it’s practical. Memorial services, cemetery plots, urns, and scattering ceremonies can be expensive, and not everyone has the means to act right away.

If cost is a barrier, here are a few affordable options to consider:

• Scattering in nature (where permitted) is often free and deeply meaningful.

• Biodegradable urns can be an eco-friendly and low-cost way to return ashes to the earth or sea.

• Splitting ashes among family members can reduce the need for a single costly memorial.

• Local crematoriums or community centers may offer low-cost or even free scattering gardens.

Grief is hard enough without financial pressure. Simple heartfelt gestures can be just as powerful as grand memorials.